Music for Séances: Assembling the Product

Last updated 15 Apr 2008

Music for Séances: Assembling the Product

Putting together each copy of a "Music for Séances: The Talking Board Series" release is involved and time-consuming. Fortunately, with the influx of illegal aliens from Mars in recent years, who are willing to work under the table for sub-par wages and no benefits, we have been able to produce product at a cost that guarantees strong returns for our stockholders.

We start with a recording from a hand-selected and vine-ripened artist. Each CDR can hold 50MB of data, or a maximum of 5 minutes and 24 seconds of audio, and will be decorated as a Ouija/Talking Board. Each box comes with instructions and a miniature planchette (pointer) and is decorated with graphics from boxes, instructions, etc. from the original boards and packaging.
		click any photo to enlarge
First we engineer and master the music as needed. Our team of Mad Scientists labors for many hours tweaking and polishing each bit that is to be encoded on the CDR, which is specially manufactured for this project by our brother-in-law's aunt's best friend's sister's cousin's company, that just so happens to do CDR production. Lucky us!
Next we burn a CDR copy to be decorated. Martian lasers, originally designed to launch a pre-emptive attack on the Earth, are used to permanently engrave the music onto the disk.
Our boxes start out stiff and flat, white and unblemished, grown from genetically engineered Martian trees with orange leaves and opposable thumbs, which blossom only once per millenia.
Years of training in the Oriental Art of Kung Fu Origami allows us to quickly teach our under-educated alien staff to fold, spindle, and mutilate the boxes in preparation for gluing.
Using only the finest baby horse-derived glue and the infamous Clothpins of Sadistic Terror, we force the formerly flat box into shape, ready to run the marathon of providing years of protection for your Talking Board.
Next up are the goodies that will go into the box. There are four items total: a planchette (aka pointer) which is used on the Talking Board to allow the spirits to guide you from beyond; a sheet of instructions, printed on vellum, that explain how to use your board; information about the Sound-O-Mat studio; and lastly an insert containing information about the particular recording. These are designed specifically in homage to the old "insert" style "tall & narrow" movie posters from the 40's and 50's.
The CDRs are designed to look like old-style Ouija/Talking Boards, and are protrusion-painted by our alien staff with only the finest radioactive dyes and certain flavors of their own bodily fluids. Forunately each has up to six limbs to work with (depending on the number of "accidents", of course) so the production line moves quickly. This also gives a better view of the planchette, which is forged by elves in the Mystic Cascade Mountains. Tolkien, eat yr heart out!
Next we fold things up and prepare to stuff the turkey!
In goes the Talking Board into its little box home. A tighter fit you'll never find! The rest of the goodies are strategically placed to ensure that each box is a bundle of joy for a girl or a boy!
When the box is together, it's time for it to give up its white, clean purity and become a real box. Labels are created with similar alien fluids and some hazardous chemicals we found out in back of the factory, and printed on the stickiest sticky notes found on this or any other planet.
We're almost there... lavish and loving whipping of the alien assembly line results in an assembled box nearly ready for dispensing for your entertainment and edification. Check out the angles on those edges and the purty colors. Ooooo, don't you want one?
Take a close look at the picture... doesn't look much different than the one before, hmmm? That's because you cannot see the amazing substance that has been applied by the dishwashers of our assembly line. It is a special substance that is strong, smooth, and most of all, nearly invisible. Stolen from a secret government lab, this Material of the Future is known as Cellophane! In the future, everything will be made of Cellophane!
Another view of our sexy, completed box, ready for consumption. Doesn't it look yummy?
And here's our baby's booty. Shake that backside, little boxy-box. Soon it will be weaned from its mother's teat and sent off to be forced to live inside an ArtOMat machine with its brothers and sisters, until some lucky person comes along and adopts it, welcoming it into their home. A job well done, and one more stray box kept off the street.

And that's all she wrote, campers! Thanks for joining us on this tour, and we hope you and your family will continue to enjoy Sound-O-Mat™ brand products for years to come!